What the world needs now...

How do you feel about the word LOVE? How often do you use it? In what situations?

I have often said that “LOVE is a 4-letter word.” I know, some of you are saying, “duh! L, O, V, E thats 4-letters.” But, like most things, I do not mean it that way. I'm talking about those “other” 4-letter words. You know, the ones you wouldn't say in front of your mom. I have been often afraid of this word for a couple of reasons. One, its power. If used incorrectly, it could be devastating. Two, interpretation. How I am using it may not be how its interpreted by who I said it to.

For me, the second is far scarier than the first. I made a promise to myself (and someone else at the time) that I would never use LOVE to hurt anyone. I know that may sound strange but I have seen first hand, people using what they called “LOVE” to hurt others. I also know many stories. That being said. How do I use this term?

This was a good summer for me. This summer I was able to get a big skeleton out of my closet. Don't get me wrong its still filled up to the brim with the ghosts of my past and their skeletons. I don't even know why it happened. It truly was a “God thing.” It was two people, who were spiritually available and open with each other, helping each other through a tough time. Man, I really miss that. I LOVE that and I LOVE her for it. (yes it was a her, please stop gasping now.) Now that you know it was a female, what form of LOVE do you think I was using? Do I romantically LOVE her? Is it brother-sister LOVE? Maybe it isn't LOVE at all, maybe its lust? That is a thing commonly mistook for LOVE. What about spiritual LOVE?

Actually, I think it was a combination of brother-sister and spiritual LOVE. Sure it could evolve into some of the others but that's not what I'm talking about. At least, not this time. There were several times during our conversation where it would have been more-than-appropriate to utter those words. But did I do it? No. Why? I know how I was using it but what about her? Does she know that I LOVE her as a sister and a spiritual being? Maybe. Is it more likely what she thinks of the romantic meaning? Yes. Could that have damaged our relationship? Absolutely but it could have done something far worse or worse in my mind, damaged the trust. That is so much more difficult to repair.

So why didn't I use it? I'm a coward. There I said it, straight up. I'm a coward. (If you're reading this, this is a different coward situation than I wanted to talk to you about.) I'm scared of that word. I'm scared of what it can mean and how it can be taken. I'm scared of where it goes. Once its “in the wild,” I don't have control of it anymore. But you can't keep a good man down.

That's why I'm wanting to change this. That's why I'm writing this; I have considered what I might have found, and I think I have a good thing now but I want better. Better for myself and better for those around me. So, help me. How do you do that? Join me. Lets take LOVE back. I'm not saying use it so it loses its meaning. LOVE should retain its power, just become easier to say. How do we do that? Use it. Do you have LOVE for someone? Tell them. Do you have LOVE for me? Tell me. It will be easier for me to reciprocate. You can even define it if you like. I don't want any misunderstandings (See? I'm still afraid of it.) Let LOVE in, then let it out again. Share the LOVE.

So, if she's reading this right now, I LOVE you. You truly are an amazing person. For anyone else reading this now, I LOVE you too. What do I mean by that? Good question. I guess you'll just have to wonder or you could just ask. But remember, knowing is half the hassle.

In case you missed it before; I LOVE you.

By the way, I used LOVE 24 times in this post.

Song References:
Boys Like Girls - Hero /Heroine
Ludo - Topeka

Title Reference:
Jackie DeShannon - What the World Needs Now Is Love

Chasin' the ghost of a good thing; Haunting yourself as the real thing is getting away from you

Do you believe in ghosts? Take a few moments to think about that question and remember how concepts in my blogs rarely take on their common meaning.

I do. I chase ghosts all of the time. Granted, I'm not rolling around in the Mystery Machine looking for people wearing masks and yes, I'll admit, one of my nicknames in high school was Shaggy. No, not for that reason.

I think we all chase ghosts whether we believe in them or not. These ghosts can sometimes be seen with the naked eye. Sometimes they're near, sometimes far. These ghosts draw us in, pull us on their baring.

If you still haven't figured out this metaphor, I'll just go ahead and come out with it. These ghosts aren't the restless souls of those who have gone on before us, they're the ghosts of a good thing.

We all chase the ghosts of a good thing. These ghosts can take on many forms. They can be fallen dreams, past relationships, material things or social status. Of course this list isn't all inclusive but I think you get the idea.

I'd venture to say that no one is immune to chasing ghosts. I know that I thought I was and was I wrong. I had been doing nothing but chasing ghosts since I left for Topeka to work for CCS. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have traded that time for anything, and I don't do regret. Still I can't help but think back to the reasons I left Manhattan and the reasons I stayed in Topeka for so long. All of them, just chasing the ghost of a good thing.

Fast-forward to December 2008. Still chasing but something is different. Clarity can be an ugly thing. Mine was hideous. The one thing that I thought I had really set in my life, my work, drove me away from many of the ghosts and put me back in Manhattan. Needless to say, this was a great thing.

Well... at least for the most part.

New town, new ghosts. I'll be honest. I wasn't lead here by a ghost but one of the things that pulled me here quickly became a ghost shortly after. And I'll continue to be honest and say that once that ghost came to be, I chased it for a bit.

Then I had an epiphany, and yes, it was due to a song but I'll cover that at the end. If we keep chasing the ghosts of good things, then the real good things go unnoticed. Another wasted night, another wasted breath. Chasing these ghosts uses us up and once we're used up, we're left stranded.

I'll come clean and tell you exactly what I've been chasing. I've been chasing entrepreneurship. Its no secret that I've been wanting to run my own business for a long time. The more I think about it, the more I think that may be chasing a ghost. I know that I have had several excellent ideas for IT that would more than likely, make that dream come true, however, by the time I'm done with work and working on everyone else's stuff, I'm so burned out that I don't even want to work on my own. So is this a dream or a ghost? I'm not sure, I'll keep asking.

The other is a relationship. Not with anyone in particular. Granted, I have been looking but its not like that. I long to have a deep, completely transparent relationship with someone but it has to go both ways. I know that isn't easy for a lot of people, myself included but every time I get to that point, its gone. I mean, its fleeting. I fear that while I'm chasing the fleeting relationship (the ghost of a good thing) that I may miss the real thing. I have to be careful. Trading a friend for Mary Magdalene does me no good. It doesn't make me a saint, it won't make me a king but I wouldn't have to wait around for the real thing. Yet again, chasing ghosts.

I really think that we should all think about the ghosts we chase and if you're up to it, feel free to post a comment about it. I'll gladly listen.

Title reference: Ghost of a Good Thing

Other references used in this post: Again I Go Unnoticed

If you can get the Mary Magdalene reference, you're awesome.

...There's just one problem; I don't play guitar.

I have been a little bummed out lately. This usually comes from being beaten down in some aspect of my life. Right now, it’s my health. I’ve been sick with this stupid bronchial infection for about a week now and before that it was the rollercoaster temperature changes messing with my allergies.

I wish I could say that the worst thing a sickness does is bum me out but it also takes all of my confidence. It makes me doubt everything, even myself. I’ll admit, it’s been a rather self-loathing couple of weeks. All I have are questions and the real problem is that I haven’t bothered to ask for answers, from anyone, and I mean anyone.

I hope tonight will clear up some things for me. I could use it.

I heard that one of my friends has actually written her first “real” song. I’m of the opinion that there is no such thing as a song that isn’t “real.” I have to admit, I’m eager to hear it. I hope she’ll let me do so. On a personal note, my writer’s block is gone, so I’m considering taking the evening to write some things down or at least type them anyway. We’ll see what comes out. Who knows, maybe I’ll actually get music that will match the subject matter.

That’s always been a real problem for me. I can usually come up great lyrics or chord progressions but I can almost never get the two to match up. My most dismal failure in this area has also been my greatest triumph. When I wrote “Best Friend” it was intended to be an angry song. Being best friends was a bad thing in this context but once I got the music to it, everything changed. The song was happy if not giddy. The tone was completely changed. It was horrible.

Then I realized something that changed how I looked at the song entirely… it was what I really wanted. I had grown past that point. This wasn’t an angry message anymore. It was a positive one of trust, faith and hope.

For the first time ever, I’m taking my guitar to retreat. I’m actually going to take some time out and play. Maybe even take some requests. If you know of something you’d like to hear, let me know ahead of time so I can be sure to grab the music.

And now for something completely different…

Why do we stretch ourselves too thin? Why do we push ourselves to the breaking point and then are left to pick up what few segments survive? I really wish I had the answer for this, not because I’m dealing with it but because several of my friends are. You know who you are and I feel for you, I’ve been there.

I’m actually going to modify my usual birthday weekend activity for the sake of these people. For the first time in a long time, I don’t want to be by myself in a relaxing setting for my birthday. I want those around me who need to relax to come too. That’s why I’m inviting a select few people to get away for a weekend later this month. Here is the literary: Nothing. That’s right we’re planning to do nothing and I think it will be everything we hoped it would be.

I’ll be inviting, in person, soon. In fact, one invite has already gone out.

OK, I think it’s about time to wrap this up. I’m sorry this blog post wasn’t all classy and inspirational like the others have been but I just don’t really feel up to it at the moment. Maybe if you catch me tomorrow or this weekend, I’ll be in a better mood.

Title Reference: Its one of the song’s I’ve written. What really sucks is that I lost the file that had all of the words and music in it. Maybe I’ll get around to rewriting it this weekend.

Getting right to the heart of matters; It's the heart that matters more

I have to be honest; I typically write the title of my blog posts after I write the post. Today this is not the case. Do not be surprised if the title is completely off topic by the end of this thing.

I have been thinking a lot about the proverbial heart in the last week or so. I’m sure it has everything to do with it being “spring” time and I’m seeing all of these relationship changes going on around me, both positive and negative. I have this innate fear about relationships because I believe that I see them in a much different way than many others do.

A wise man once told me that your job in a relationship is to help bring the other person closer to God and thus help them get into Heaven. This makes great sense to me but I think instills fear in others. Why? Because it requires us to open up and I mean really open up. It’s obvious that you can’t hide your broken parts from God but it’s simple to hide them from others. Less obvious is hiding the broken parts from yourself. This proves to be far more destructive and dangerous than the other two combined. How do you fix what you do not believe to be broken?

Because I have this firm belief in bringing your significant other closer to God, I don’t really have a problem with some spiritual distance between parties. Obviously there at least needs to be belief on both sides but I truly believe that you don’t need to be at the same place on God’s path to flourish in a relationship.

I have to be honest, I’m heart broken right now and for a lot of different reasons. The failing relationships around me are only playing a minor role to be honest. I see struggle all around me and it make my heart ache for these people. Friend, foe, former significant other, brother, sister, I see them all. It worries me and I’m OK with that. I would be more worried if it didn’t.

Some of the people I’m thinking about will be reading this post. For them; I feel for you and I want to share in the struggle. Feel free to seek me out, night or day. I do not need sleep as much as I want to help.

A few months back I said a phrase in a very specific, yet similar situation. The more I think about this phrase the more and more I truly believe it. "Lean on the people in your life. We'll hold you up." – 2008-10-28 11:57PM. I realize that at the time I was referring specifically to myself and 3 others as the “people” but I’m really just referring to myself now.

I used to think that I had a pretty big heart with lots of room to love others. Then I met someone who, I had thought, put me to shame. Now I have come to realize that their heart wasn’t actually that big, it was their mind that was supposedly putting out all of this love. You may need to read that last sentence again. I did say that their mind was putting out all of this love. Yeah, that’s not possible. I realize now that my heart will continue to grow. If it doesn’t, I’m doing something wrong or am in the wrong place in my life.

I guess it’s about time to wrap this up. So people, I have lots of room for all of you in my heart. I say again, feel free to seek me out. I’m here for you.

Oh and the title reference can be found here.

--B

Where words fail, music speaks; If it is born in flames, then we should let it burn.

This has been an evolving blog post. It has almost taken on a life of its own. It started as a single post but as I was about to publish, I realized that it was actually 2 posts. I broke them up and continued to write them separately. Then I realized that they began to grow back together. So, sorry for the delay but here are blog posts 2, 2.5, and 3.

I am a self ascribed music geek. It’s pretty rare that I cannot identify a song within the first few seconds and I can usually get the artist and to a much less extent the album it was off of. This is a frequently played game with my friends. In fact my iPod has over 4,000 songs on it and I know nearly all of them by heart. I also play the trumpet (rarely) and guitar. I haven’t really been “in” the music scene in far too long. My last.fm account has been completely neglected until, well, really today (Two weeks ago). Music always gives me solace then things go awry. Music fills the cracks. Music speaks when I am not able to.

For a long time I have believed in the power of music. Music really can soothe the savage beast. It can put you in any mood that you want it too. Something that many people don’t really know about me is that I am actually a very emotional person. In the past few years I’ve really repressed a lot. Something I thought was a good thing. Of course I knew in my mind that this wasn’t a good thing for me but I continued on anyway.

Something is different now. I can’t hold things back anymore. I find myself talking about things that I would normally keep inside. It’s like I’m living a “Heart-to-heart” with all of my friends.

I’ve also found this strong contradiction to the self image that I put out. I’m not this extreme extravert that everyone thinks I am. I truly am an introvert but I’m also very social. It doesn’t take me long to recharge my proverbial batteries when I’m alone. I get bored and when I’m bored I love being with people. Especially people who are like me and dare I say it, most of the people around me right now are NOT like me. There are a few; you probably know who you are. Actually, no you probably don’t. I’ll try to make it a point to go out of my way to make it known to the people in my life who make me very happy.

Since I’ve been back in Manhattan, I have been so unbelievably happy and the emotions are nearly impossible to keep back. I’ve even found myself using the word love a lot more and in much more broad contexts. I used to say that love was a four letter word (I know that it is one but I mean in the cursing sense) and should therefore only be used when it’s really meant. I’m reminded of the Nooma video entitled “Flame.” Here Rob describes different types of love. He talks about the different kinds of love that there are. For instance; “In a single breath we can say, I love my wife and I love tacos?” Obviously these are different levels of love.

I am an introvert, tried and true (I don’t care if you don’t believe me) but I just have this unbelievable love for my friends. They have truly been the hottest burning flame in my life in the last few years. Some do burn hotter than others and some burn hot then cool and return to burning hot.

I have had a few new flames appear in my lot since coming back to Manhattan. These flames tend to burn in strange ways or at least in ways I’ve never experienced before. One of these flames is new and the other has been rekindled. Both of them defy logic.

One burns in the most random ways and in the most random colors but I see a lot of myself in this flame. This has, obviously, attracted my attention. The other is struggling to burn, not just in my life but in their life as well. I have been with this flame through feast and famine but they seem to only really burn in times of famine. This flame is broken but I’m struggling with the decision of being the one intended to fix the flame and who knows how much the other flame is distracting me. I’ll keep praying but time is limited. The flickering flame is looking to move, an idea that I consider to be foolish. I’m not too sure on God’s opinion yet, I’ll ask.

So you’re probably wondering why I called the second part of this post “If it is born in flames, then we should let it burn.” Simple, you just need the rest of the line from Dashboard Confessional’s song titled “Currents.”

If it is born in flames then we should let it burn,
burn as brightly as we can.
And if it’s gotta end then let it end in flames.
Let it burn all the way down, all the way down.
And if this is ever meant to end, then I hope it ends where it began,
so hot with love, we burned our hands.

I truly feel that one of these two relationships is going to end this way. It’s going to be messy and I’m prepared for that. I’m just not prepared for the ramifications, but I truly hope that whatever happens that these people know that love is my intent.

--B

For Your Consideration...

Its funny how those around your can influence a decision that you've been struggling with for a long time. Its even funnier that they probably never knew they did it. So I'll give them credit here.

After much consideration, I have decided to re-attach my self to the old "Blog-O-Sphere". It's been a while since I've been on the scene. I'm an "old" blogger. I started when LiveJournal was in its infancy, then moved on to Xanga (Blog) and every once in a while an entry would pop up on MySpace (Link) or Facebook (Link). But as time moved on I felt I had no real reason to keep blogging. Most of my blogs talked about some level of discontent or angst and, as I got older, I was having a lot less of both. Now I've realized that I'm a little older, I'm a little wiser (Reference) and I can use this blog for a more therapeutic sharing of bad as well as good news. Who knows, maybe I can geek out from time-to-time on here. For now things will stay pretty light. So I will go ahead and wrap this one up, however, the only thing I can promise is that I won't pull any punches in the future.

As I mentioned earlier, I didn't come to this decision on my own. I had lots of help. Believe it or not, it all started with Mandy (Blog). She started blogging on MySpace and that kind of got me back into things but I still didn't really take hold. Then Lance (Blog) gave the blog-o-ball a good push. Still I was reluctant. Then I met Cary (Blog), a man who uses the blog the way that I want to use a blog. This is where the bloging roots began to take hold. Reading Cary's blog made me want to blog, a feeling that I believe is crucial to the whole blogging phenomenon, but still I was merely satisfied with reading the blogs of others and never offering up anything of my own. Until Matt C. (Blog) posted on Twitter (Link) that he was wanting to get back into bloging but had found writer's block. I told him that I was considering getting back into blogging but was struggling over the same thing. He was able to overcome is block, I was not. It was a completely unknown push by someone I care about immensely that put me here. That person is, my girlfriend Kristin (Blog). She created a blog themed around my favorite passage of the Bible (Phil. 4: 6-7). This was the push that puts me at the keyboard tonight. Funny, she never even knew I was thinking about this, simply because I didn't think it was important in "our" world.

OK, I think I'm finished for now and its almost time for Wednesday Night Encounter (Link). Goodnight sweet blog-o-sphere, and a flight of angels sing the to thy rest (Reference).

--B