This has been an evolving blog post. It has almost taken on a life of its own. It started as a single post but as I was about to publish, I realized that it was actually 2 posts. I broke them up and continued to write them separately. Then I realized that they began to grow back together. So, sorry for the delay but here are blog posts 2, 2.5, and 3.
I am a self ascribed music geek. It’s pretty rare that I cannot identify a song within the first few seconds and I can usually get the artist and to a much less extent the album it was off of. This is a frequently played game with my friends. In fact my iPod has over 4,000 songs on it and I know nearly all of them by heart. I also play the trumpet (rarely) and guitar. I haven’t really been “in” the music scene in far too long. My last.fm account has been completely neglected until, well, really today (Two weeks ago). Music always gives me solace then things go awry. Music fills the cracks. Music speaks when I am not able to.
For a long time I have believed in the power of music. Music really can soothe the savage beast. It can put you in any mood that you want it too. Something that many people don’t really know about me is that I am actually a very emotional person. In the past few years I’ve really repressed a lot. Something I thought was a good thing. Of course I knew in my mind that this wasn’t a good thing for me but I continued on anyway.
Something is different now. I can’t hold things back anymore. I find myself talking about things that I would normally keep inside. It’s like I’m living a “Heart-to-heart” with all of my friends.
I’ve also found this strong contradiction to the self image that I put out. I’m not this extreme extravert that everyone thinks I am. I truly am an introvert but I’m also very social. It doesn’t take me long to recharge my proverbial batteries when I’m alone. I get bored and when I’m bored I love being with people. Especially people who are like me and dare I say it, most of the people around me right now are NOT like me. There are a few; you probably know who you are. Actually, no you probably don’t. I’ll try to make it a point to go out of my way to make it known to the people in my life who make me very happy.
Since I’ve been back in Manhattan, I have been so unbelievably happy and the emotions are nearly impossible to keep back. I’ve even found myself using the word love a lot more and in much more broad contexts. I used to say that love was a four letter word (I know that it is one but I mean in the cursing sense) and should therefore only be used when it’s really meant. I’m reminded of the Nooma video entitled “Flame.” Here Rob describes different types of love. He talks about the different kinds of love that there are. For instance; “In a single breath we can say, I love my wife and I love tacos?” Obviously these are different levels of love.
I am an introvert, tried and true (I don’t care if you don’t believe me) but I just have this unbelievable love for my friends. They have truly been the hottest burning flame in my life in the last few years. Some do burn hotter than others and some burn hot then cool and return to burning hot.
I have had a few new flames appear in my lot since coming back to Manhattan. These flames tend to burn in strange ways or at least in ways I’ve never experienced before. One of these flames is new and the other has been rekindled. Both of them defy logic.
One burns in the most random ways and in the most random colors but I see a lot of myself in this flame. This has, obviously, attracted my attention. The other is struggling to burn, not just in my life but in their life as well. I have been with this flame through feast and famine but they seem to only really burn in times of famine. This flame is broken but I’m struggling with the decision of being the one intended to fix the flame and who knows how much the other flame is distracting me. I’ll keep praying but time is limited. The flickering flame is looking to move, an idea that I consider to be foolish. I’m not too sure on God’s opinion yet, I’ll ask.
So you’re probably wondering why I called the second part of this post “If it is born in flames, then we should let it burn.” Simple, you just need the rest of the line from Dashboard Confessional’s song titled “Currents.”
If it is born in flames then we should let it burn,
burn as brightly as we can.
And if it’s gotta end then let it end in flames.
Let it burn all the way down, all the way down.
And if this is ever meant to end, then I hope it ends where it began,
so hot with love, we burned our hands.
I truly feel that one of these two relationships is going to end this way. It’s going to be messy and I’m prepared for that. I’m just not prepared for the ramifications, but I truly hope that whatever happens that these people know that love is my intent.
